Electronics can be useful. Our kids use them for school, for getting driving directions, for face-timing with distant relatives, to look up a vocabulary definitions, to get access to the library catalog and yes, even the occasional video game.
Technology may not the enemy but when your child is having an epic meltdown—the dreaded "tech tantrum"— after being told it's time to "turn it off," you're probably considering the drastic move of tossing all screens out the window.
No need to do that just yet.
One of the most important points in my four family plans to reduce screen-time is to be 100% consistent about turning screens off when the time is up. BUT, although that strategy will significantly reduce tech tantrums, and it is not the simple trick I am going to tell you about today.
If the following quotes from real parents sounds familiar, then this single, easy-to-implement strategy will change your life:
The thing I struggle with most when coaxing my son off the ipad is that he is not in a good mood after being on it and moans about being tired.
or,
The problem is how to UNplug once she HAS been plugged. All the tantrums begin once I say that it's enough. It doesn't help to set the rules in advance. It doesn't help to set a timer. The moment she is exposed to screen - she wants more of it. And she complains. And in a bad mood. I didn't try it, but I think that even if I set the computer to log off at a certain time - it won't help. So she won't be angry at me, but she will be angry at the world - it's not fair etc etc.
Guess what? I'm not going to tell you to get rid of screens altogether! Maybe you've decided that some screen time during the day is okay; or you and your kid has made peace with screen limits. Maybe he doesn't even spend all his waking hours whining for screen time anymore. That's great news!
BUT. (There's always a "but.")
That moment after the glowing lights have powered down? That's the tricky part. That's the moment you dread. It's as if his or her brain has powered up, and is in overdrive, all circuits overloaded. It's meltdown city.
We did one thing which ended the insanity of tech tantrums.
But first, here's what we didn't do:
We didn't give ten or five or two minute warnings.
We didn't use a parental control app.
We didn't offer a variety of activities after screen-time.
We didn't threaten them with punishment.
For quite some time, I noticed that when the boys turned off the iPad, their minds could not find a focus. The behavior went beyond the usual whining. They would start physical fights with each other, or screaming, or even throwing their toys.
It was truly horrifying. And it turns out there are quite a few biological reasons for that kind of behavior.
After a while the kids would settle down eventually, totally exhausted, but still completely unfocused.
One day I announced, "After screen-time, you both must immediately run around the block."
They looked at me like I was cray-cray. (I can't believe I just used the term "cray-cray") But I insisted. That's what moms do.
And they did. They ran around the block, stumbled back inside, had a glass of water and found something with which to occupy themselves.
I did a happy dance.
It's so simple, it's genius.
Power down the screen. Power up the body.
The kids are required to perform the simple task of moving their bodies immediately after powering down. (We also require outdoor time before screen-time, which I highly recommend.)
Now, you don't have to use "run around the block" but use something that works for you. It could be heading out to the backyard for a bit of soccer practice, doing cartwheels on the lawn, climbing a tree, you get the idea. When the kids seems to have a bit of trouble, my husband takes the lead and gets moving with them. (I've designated all screen-time supervisory duties to my husband, bless him.)
DON'T FORGET: GET THE 4 SIMPLE SOLUTIONS TO REDUCE YOUR CHILD'S SCREEN TIME (IDEAS THAT ACTUALLY WORK)
It's true the weather is not always cooperative... Here are a few indoor ideas for bad weather days:
- Jumping jacks
- Windmills
- Play a game of land, sea, air.
- Simon Says (make it really crazy, "Simon Says turn around by hopping on one foot and waving your hand in the air")
- Piggy-back rides around the house
- Spinning (caution: this can be too stimulating for some kids)
- Put on some music and have a dance party
A few essential tips:
Tip #1: After the kids power down the screen, you must keep your screen off too.
Tip #2: Make sure they eat before having screen time. Their brains must be on maximum power.
Tip #3: Do not rely on “two-minute warning” before powering down. "New research shows that giving a child a “two-minute warning” before turning off a video game or TV show does not make it easier for a child to turn away from a screen. In fact, it makes it harder." (Source)
NOTE: I recently came across some research that validated our practice of exercising to avoid screen-time meltdowns and tech tantrums! What Screen Time and Screen Media Do To Your Child’s Brain and Sensory Processing Ability - please note, the article also emphasizes the importance of limiting screen time. Physical activity is only a short term solution, not a solution for unlimited screen time.
Need more help setting screen limits? Try one of these four strategies that actually work (and are easy!)
Whitney says
"Okay, you're not getting screen time tomorrow. You have to turn it off nicely if you expect to get screen time ever again." - thing I have to say sometimes. Works like a charm.
You have to (a) not care about their hurt feelings, and (b) actually follow through.
I've also said, "If this toy is making you guys fight, then nobody gets it." I mean, has there ever been a more Mom sentence.
Seriously, it's a treat, not a need. I don't owe them screen time, and it goes away if they aren't all kinds of nice.
Erica says
Glad you have something that works for you. 🙂
Rebekka says
But I think it is obviously something they struggle with physically so I think it is great to to help them through the turn-off phase. After all it was your choice to give them the treat.
Rebekah Gienapp says
I love this idea! I do sense that my 5 year old's brain seems disordered after he's been playing online games. Physical activity would be a great way to help him get re-centered.
Erica says
I hope you try it!
Satisfied Mom says
Those are not fond memories when we allowed the gaming system into the house. We lost our son and a monster would take his place. The breaking point for me was literally breaking the console...right over the footboard of our bed as my son and husband looked on in disbelief. The next system, was up to our son to purchase. It was some time later as I think it freaked him out and was afraid to ever see his mommy like that again. But that banished that little cranky monster to ever step foot back in our home...not proud, but a testimony to the addiction of theses game systems.
Melody says
We actually use this "trick" for all sorts of situations: squabbling between sisters, moping/pouting behavior, etc. I'll say, "Ok, go run around the yard 10 times" or "Do 25 jumping jacks" or "See how long you can hold tree pose" or "Dance party-- everyone start moving!". It's amazing what a little bit of physical activity can do to change an attitude (including mine!)
Erica says
I love the idea "See how long you can hold tree pose!” I imagine that would come in handy in A LOT of different situations. 😉
mom to 2 boys says
When my kids 20 minute timers have gone off,(kitchen timers which are on their laps with the device) they know to turn their devices off within 1 minute.
After 1 minute, my stopwatch goes on... however many minutes that they go over and not turn device off, comes off their "screen time" for the next day.
I write it on the dry wipe calendar in our kitchen (and put it as a reminder on my phone)
Its obviously hard to follow through, but you must. Tough love, but they are often turn them off within 1 minute of their timer going off
Margaret Welwood says
Have you by chance considered a google+ sharing button?
Thanks for considering!
Jane Hillis says
Any suggestions for special needs children who are physically handicapped and are mainly wheelchair bound? My 10 yr old grandson has serious issues with turning off his ipad, goes into serious meltdown? Any special needs moms out there really with this behavior.??
M B says
This was extremely helpful, Thank you!!!
bh says
This is a great point- counteracting the physical effects of screen time.
I would also suggest a preventative and respectful approach. Firstly, modeling healthy usage of technology creates the child's norm- If the parent does not touch phone from 4-8 pm, does some jumping jacks after a half hour stretch of research at the computer, then expecting similar practices from his/her children will seem normal to them.
Technology is not just an adult thing, so children will not view it as "adults have different rules." They will usually view it as hypocrisy, show resistance or refuse to cooperate to your "unreasonable" rules when you spend the whole day glued to the phone and they get half hour after homework. That doesn't feel normal to them!
As the adults set their boundaries with their own screen use, they can explain their reasoning- great time to discuss how to set boundaries and why they are helpful for us..
Even with modeling and discussion, it can still pose an issue. At a calm and cozy time (reading on the couch together, getting ready for bed), the parent can broach the subject with the child, explaining that she noticed that its been difficult to lately to come off the device. Brainstorm ideas with your child!
Thanks for a great post!
Erica says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas!
Deb says
My ten yr old has melt down when he isnt allowed to play on the Sunday he played for six hrs Saturday.
With friends online loved it had a great time. Wanted to continue it Sunday but i said no. Melt down time.
I hate it. I am so sick of it. I am so close to taking his laptop and phone away permanently.
Erica says
Hi Deb, Thanks for your comment, it's such a tough situation. I highly recommend the resources at Better Screen Time: https://www.betterscreentime.com/
Best of luck.