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    You are here: Home / Parenting / A "Tip Jar" to Help Siblings Get Along

     

    A "Tip Jar" to Help Siblings Get Along

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    You may remember from my family kindness tokens or our family kindness resolutions that I am hard at work to help my kids to get along and practice kindness towards each other. Parenting is hard and many days it is an uphill battle, but then I experience a magic moment like the morning when, instead of shouting at his brother for taking his book my 10 year old calmly stated, "I was hoping to finish reading that book this morning, but you can look at it now and I will have my next turn after school."

    Help siblings get along with this technique to reinforce kindness.

    Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

    I was stunned into silence, but my wise husband declared, "That was an excellent approach to the situation, Kiddo."

    That's not to say there won't be fighting later on today, but still. It's heartening to think that some of my strategies are having an impact and it certainly inspires me to keep working at it. (Note: this post contains affiliate links.)

    Enter the sibling kindness "tip jar."

    It started because during December I had the boys create "sibling kindness advent calendars." I never wrote a post about it, but I shared the idea on our Facebook page (<-- click there to see it). Their response to it was quite positive so I wanted to find a way to extend the idea throughout the year.

    I've been reading a fantastically helpful book, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind which states,

    You're never going to get the conflict side of the equation to zero. Siblings argue; they just do. But if you can increase the other side of the equation, giving them activities that produce positive emotions and memories, you'll create strong bonds between them and set up a relationship that has a good chance of remaining solid for life.

    Note the phrase: "Siblings argue; they just do." Does that lift a bit of weight from the shoulders of any other parents?

    Our kindness "tip jar" is designed to "increase the other side of the equation"  by helping the boys remember their successful and fun moments together.

    At least once a day, I write down their moment of kindness and drop it into the "tip jar".  Either of the boys can also write down statements about his brother if he wants to, or if I overhear something, I will write it down and drop it in the jar.

    Kindness notes for tip jar to help siblings get along.

    I randomly read off the statements, usually at meal times, but often just before getting everyone ready for bed. These little reminders are designed to reinforce the idea that the boys are successful when they are kind to each other. I can tell they enjoy hearing positive statements and I like to think that my acknowledgment of their cooperative moments is an act of kindness towards them, too.

    Let's hear it for family kindness.

    Helpful books:

    How do you help siblings get along? 

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    « Indoor Activities for Tweens
    10 Exciting Books for 10 Year Olds »
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    Comments

    1. Suzanne says

      January 25, 2015 at 9:32 am

      The thing that never ceases to amaze me is, my nieces hardly ever argue or fight. I think it's partially because my older niece, age 11, lives with her father during the week and alternates weekends between her mom and me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose! But even when they're mostly with me during school breaks, they get along well. I just have this sinking feeling that it's all going to go down hill when our older one hits the teens. I'll just thank the good Lord while the peace lasts!

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        January 26, 2015 at 9:34 am

        Yes, consider yourself very lucky!!

        Reply
    2. Anna@The Measured Mom says

      January 25, 2015 at 10:02 am

      I really like this, Erica! I definitely want to start this with my kids. The hard part will be making sure I write something about every child as much as possible. Even the one who tends to start the fights, ha!

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        January 26, 2015 at 9:34 am

        Who knows, maybe it will help him stop fighting. (Dare to dream)

        Reply
    3. Wwndy Kalman says

      February 03, 2015 at 6:26 am

      My three sons, now 23, 19 & 15, never fought. Mayve disagreed over whise turn on the tv, but that's it. Having said that, the tip jar is a nice idea, sort of like what others do with sayibg something they're thankful for that happened that day.

      For ne, I found Avoiding Sibling Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish as insightful as all their other books. They were my parenting gurus 🙂

      Reply
    4. Valerie says

      February 07, 2015 at 12:44 am

      I give my boys quarters for doing their "jobs" (putting shoes away, getting dressed, bringing their things in from the car, etc) and they save up and buy Legos or video games. If they hurt each other, which seems to happen every 5 min either on purpose or by accident, I make them stop and say, "Are you okay, brother? I'm sorry, brother. I love you, brother." And the rule is if someone is hurt they have to stay by their side till they're better. I don't give them quarters for being kind but this is a wonderful alternative! Thank you!

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        February 09, 2015 at 7:53 am

        Thanks for your comment! It sounds like you are focusing on compassion, I love that.

        Reply
    5. Louisa says

      February 07, 2015 at 11:28 am

      Great idea! I'm going to try this. Thanks. 🙂

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        February 09, 2015 at 7:52 am

        I hope it helps!

        Reply
    6. Michaela says

      February 10, 2015 at 5:19 pm

      I like your idea of a tip jar. Will try it together with a descriptive praise as things are happening. It will also serve me as a reminder of how good my children are. Sometimes, for us parents, it is too easy to concentrate on the negatives rather the positives. And who wouldn't like to hear something nice about themselves? - I can't wait to see their happy smiley faces.

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        February 11, 2015 at 8:07 am

        You are so right, it's great for me to focus on the good things.

        Reply
    7. Meredith @ Homegrown Friends says

      February 12, 2015 at 6:05 am

      I love this idea Erica! Going to start it right away. Pinned and sharing today.

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        February 12, 2015 at 9:49 am

        Thanks, Meredith!

        Reply
    8. Mary says

      April 09, 2015 at 7:37 am

      I really like this idea. Thank you 🙂

      We will be instituting this starting TODAY.

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        April 13, 2015 at 5:05 am

        I hope it helps!

        Reply
    9. Dahlia says

      August 04, 2015 at 3:04 pm

      I like this idea too. Lately I have been working harder on bribing the kids because I was at the end of my rope, and of course it wasn't working. On the worst day I stumbled upon Nicole at ImperfectFamilies.com and she was my lifesaver. Mostly common sense, but lots of good food for thought.

      I'm trying to be more present with the kids. Instead of yelling from the other room, which I found out I was doing a lot, now I go to them, give eye contact, make full sentences, look for meaning, the deeper motivation. The real reasons for acting out are usually quite different from "I hit her because she hit me".

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        August 05, 2015 at 8:29 am

        I've cut way back on my yelling from the other room too (not that our apartment is spacious to begin with, lol) and it makes a big difference. Thanks for your input!

        Reply
    10. Nyree says

      October 18, 2015 at 7:21 pm

      What a great strategy and well worth investing in for their benefit - not only as siblings, but eventually in life strategies in the workplace.

      Reply
      • Erica MomandKiddo says

        October 19, 2015 at 6:06 am

        Very true!

        Reply
    11. Suhaya Bhandary says

      May 08, 2016 at 4:42 pm

      How do you deal with one sibling being kind, but the other not reciprocating in 'kind'?

      Reply
    12. Sarah says

      May 09, 2016 at 5:47 am

      Love this idea! Thanks for the "tip"! 😉 S~

      Reply

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