You may remember from my family kindness tokens or our family kindness resolutions that I am hard at work to help my kids to get along and practice kindness towards each other. Parenting is hard and many days it is an uphill battle, but then I experience a magic moment like the morning when, instead of shouting at his brother for taking his book my 10 year old calmly stated, "I was hoping to finish reading that book this morning, but you can look at it now and I will have my next turn after school."
Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
I was stunned into silence, but my wise husband declared, "That was an excellent approach to the situation, Kiddo."
That's not to say there won't be fighting later on today, but still. It's heartening to think that some of my strategies are having an impact and it certainly inspires me to keep working at it. (Note: this post contains affiliate links.)
Enter the sibling kindness "tip jar."
It started because during December I had the boys create "sibling kindness advent calendars." I never wrote a post about it, but I shared the idea on our Facebook page (<-- click there to see it). Their response to it was quite positive so I wanted to find a way to extend the idea throughout the year.
I've been reading a fantastically helpful book, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind which states,
You're never going to get the conflict side of the equation to zero. Siblings argue; they just do. But if you can increase the other side of the equation, giving them activities that produce positive emotions and memories, you'll create strong bonds between them and set up a relationship that has a good chance of remaining solid for life.
Note the phrase: "Siblings argue; they just do." Does that lift a bit of weight from the shoulders of any other parents?
Our kindness "tip jar" is designed to "increase the other side of the equation" by helping the boys remember their successful and fun moments together.
At least once a day, I write down their moment of kindness and drop it into the "tip jar". Either of the boys can also write down statements about his brother if he wants to, or if I overhear something, I will write it down and drop it in the jar.
I randomly read off the statements, usually at meal times, but often just before getting everyone ready for bed. These little reminders are designed to reinforce the idea that the boys are successful when they are kind to each other. I can tell they enjoy hearing positive statements and I like to think that my acknowledgment of their cooperative moments is an act of kindness towards them, too.
Let's hear it for family kindness.
Helpful books:
How do you help siblings get along?
Suzanne says
The thing that never ceases to amaze me is, my nieces hardly ever argue or fight. I think it's partially because my older niece, age 11, lives with her father during the week and alternates weekends between her mom and me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose! But even when they're mostly with me during school breaks, they get along well. I just have this sinking feeling that it's all going to go down hill when our older one hits the teens. I'll just thank the good Lord while the peace lasts!
Erica MomandKiddo says
Yes, consider yourself very lucky!!
Anna@The Measured Mom says
I really like this, Erica! I definitely want to start this with my kids. The hard part will be making sure I write something about every child as much as possible. Even the one who tends to start the fights, ha!
Erica MomandKiddo says
Who knows, maybe it will help him stop fighting. (Dare to dream)
Wwndy Kalman says
My three sons, now 23, 19 & 15, never fought. Mayve disagreed over whise turn on the tv, but that's it. Having said that, the tip jar is a nice idea, sort of like what others do with sayibg something they're thankful for that happened that day.
For ne, I found Avoiding Sibling Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish as insightful as all their other books. They were my parenting gurus 🙂
Valerie says
I give my boys quarters for doing their "jobs" (putting shoes away, getting dressed, bringing their things in from the car, etc) and they save up and buy Legos or video games. If they hurt each other, which seems to happen every 5 min either on purpose or by accident, I make them stop and say, "Are you okay, brother? I'm sorry, brother. I love you, brother." And the rule is if someone is hurt they have to stay by their side till they're better. I don't give them quarters for being kind but this is a wonderful alternative! Thank you!
Erica MomandKiddo says
Thanks for your comment! It sounds like you are focusing on compassion, I love that.
Louisa says
Great idea! I'm going to try this. Thanks. 🙂
Erica MomandKiddo says
I hope it helps!
Michaela says
I like your idea of a tip jar. Will try it together with a descriptive praise as things are happening. It will also serve me as a reminder of how good my children are. Sometimes, for us parents, it is too easy to concentrate on the negatives rather the positives. And who wouldn't like to hear something nice about themselves? - I can't wait to see their happy smiley faces.
Erica MomandKiddo says
You are so right, it's great for me to focus on the good things.
Meredith @ Homegrown Friends says
I love this idea Erica! Going to start it right away. Pinned and sharing today.
Erica MomandKiddo says
Thanks, Meredith!
Mary says
I really like this idea. Thank you 🙂
We will be instituting this starting TODAY.
Erica MomandKiddo says
I hope it helps!
Dahlia says
I like this idea too. Lately I have been working harder on bribing the kids because I was at the end of my rope, and of course it wasn't working. On the worst day I stumbled upon Nicole at ImperfectFamilies.com and she was my lifesaver. Mostly common sense, but lots of good food for thought.
I'm trying to be more present with the kids. Instead of yelling from the other room, which I found out I was doing a lot, now I go to them, give eye contact, make full sentences, look for meaning, the deeper motivation. The real reasons for acting out are usually quite different from "I hit her because she hit me".
Erica MomandKiddo says
I've cut way back on my yelling from the other room too (not that our apartment is spacious to begin with, lol) and it makes a big difference. Thanks for your input!
Nyree says
What a great strategy and well worth investing in for their benefit - not only as siblings, but eventually in life strategies in the workplace.
Erica MomandKiddo says
Very true!
Suhaya Bhandary says
How do you deal with one sibling being kind, but the other not reciprocating in 'kind'?
Sarah says
Love this idea! Thanks for the "tip"! 😉 S~